Rose Tinted Spectacles?

Have you ever been in a position where a friend or family member has a new born baby and decides to bring the child around to show the family? An inconvenience I'm sure alot of people will be familiar with. Of course on these occasions its often best to placate the ego of the parents with the usual old guff, ''oh isnt he lovely, he's the image of you, I hope he grows up to be a heart surgeon'' etc etc. Having to swallow ones pride and talk such utter rubbish is a challenge in itself. However the ordeal becomes all the more difficult when faced with every parenthood sceptic's nightmare: An ugly baby!!

This is always a tricky situation and one that for some reason I find myself faced with all too often. Unfortunatley I am one of those people who really finds it hard to tell what is known as a ''white lie''. So one can imagine the absolute horror I face when being asked to give an honest appraisal  of a repugnant infant. It has happened so often now that I'm actually used to it by now but when I was younger and less tactful it was very difficult. Just imagine the anticipation of a child who has been told that Uncle Tom and Aunt Sylvia are bringing over their little new born daughter and being filled with the false hope that the little ray of sunshine is a future miss world. Imagine further the absolute revulsion when one looks into the pram to see a hideous monster with a unibrow, ears that stick out and a crooked beak looking back at you with eyes the size of marbles.

I have been told by several people on my travels that there is no such thing as an ugly baby. I beg to differ. I have seen enough vile specimens in my time to produce my own adaptation of Gremlins. Ugly babies do exist, and they are growing in numbers! What is remarkable however, is the fact that parents with ugly babies really cant see that they have produced nauseating beasts as children. In fact they are often so proud of their ''achievement'' that they feel the need to hassle their work mates by bringing the little creatures into work with them. This is a particular gripe of mine. Bringing a new born baby into the workplace is not only unneccessary, it is also a ''screw you'' to the miserable old spinster who works in the corner away from everyone else and has never found anyone willing to lower their standards enough to ask for her hand in marriage. Why on earth would your work colleagues want to see your baby? Especially if he/she looks like that. And then we come back to the old white lies, ''he's gorgeous, he's the image of you'', bla bla bla. And from a distance I watch the whole charade, marvelling at the decency and falseness of humankind!