A very apt blog I read yesterday from Gazlightyear prompted me to write this. In his blog, Gazzer launched a viscious tirade against stupid fucking bastards that are on a bloody crusade to abrogate the English language with moronic sentences like ''I should of gone out last night'' or ''I could of but I decided not to.'' I must say that particular brand of gobshitery is a major gripe of mine. However, what is even more irritating in my opinion is the ridiculous overuse of words nowadays.
I'll give you 2 perfect examples of words that are overused in common conversation: Actually and literally. Its all too common to hear some moronic fuck saying something along the lines of ''Its ACTUALLY so hot today'' or ''That was LITERALLY the best night out ever''. When did these words become so fucking hip? I mean it's not as if words like actually or literally are even nice words. They are quite plain in fact. Nothing special about them at all. I don't mind the ocassional actually or literally if its appropriately used but to use those words in sentences like ''I'm actually so cold'' or ''I'ts literally the best beer I've ever tasted'' is fucking sub standard behaviour. So fuck off with it.
Despite the fact that the overuse of those 2 words is enough to make me lose my faith in humanity, there is one word that is so overused its like a fucking epidemic that transcends race, ethnicity and nationality. Even uing it makes me want to throw up. The word is BASICALLY. BASICALLY!!! Piss off and use another fucking adverb!! I'm sick of the overuse of that word. What annoys me most about that fucking word is that its not just the inarticulate that seem to use it so fucking frequently. Au contraire! Even the Fiona's and Sorcha's of D4 are using the word like its going out of fashion. Lawyers, doctors, businessmen and the political elite are all overusing the word basically. How often to we hear pretentious film critics say something like ''the film is basically a coming of age romcom''. Why not just say it IS a coming of age romcom and leave it at that ya prick? Christ!! I'm not exagerating when I say I've heard the word used as many as 4 times in a sentence!! Fuck sake!
So the next time your about to fall into the trap and use any of the aforementioned overused words think to yourself, Is there a more appropriate word I could use here? And whatever you do for fuck sake at least try and use a word that's more palatable than fucking basically.
Tuesday 24 August 2010
Monday 23 August 2010
Rose Tinted Spectacles?
Have you ever been in a position where a friend or family member has a new born baby and decides to bring the child around to show the family? An inconvenience I'm sure alot of people will be familiar with. Of course on these occasions its often best to placate the ego of the parents with the usual old guff, ''oh isnt he lovely, he's the image of you, I hope he grows up to be a heart surgeon'' etc etc. Having to swallow ones pride and talk such utter rubbish is a challenge in itself. However the ordeal becomes all the more difficult when faced with every parenthood sceptic's nightmare: An ugly baby!!
This is always a tricky situation and one that for some reason I find myself faced with all too often. Unfortunatley I am one of those people who really finds it hard to tell what is known as a ''white lie''. So one can imagine the absolute horror I face when being asked to give an honest appraisal of a repugnant infant. It has happened so often now that I'm actually used to it by now but when I was younger and less tactful it was very difficult. Just imagine the anticipation of a child who has been told that Uncle Tom and Aunt Sylvia are bringing over their little new born daughter and being filled with the false hope that the little ray of sunshine is a future miss world. Imagine further the absolute revulsion when one looks into the pram to see a hideous monster with a unibrow, ears that stick out and a crooked beak looking back at you with eyes the size of marbles.
I have been told by several people on my travels that there is no such thing as an ugly baby. I beg to differ. I have seen enough vile specimens in my time to produce my own adaptation of Gremlins. Ugly babies do exist, and they are growing in numbers! What is remarkable however, is the fact that parents with ugly babies really cant see that they have produced nauseating beasts as children. In fact they are often so proud of their ''achievement'' that they feel the need to hassle their work mates by bringing the little creatures into work with them. This is a particular gripe of mine. Bringing a new born baby into the workplace is not only unneccessary, it is also a ''screw you'' to the miserable old spinster who works in the corner away from everyone else and has never found anyone willing to lower their standards enough to ask for her hand in marriage. Why on earth would your work colleagues want to see your baby? Especially if he/she looks like that. And then we come back to the old white lies, ''he's gorgeous, he's the image of you'', bla bla bla. And from a distance I watch the whole charade, marvelling at the decency and falseness of humankind!
This is always a tricky situation and one that for some reason I find myself faced with all too often. Unfortunatley I am one of those people who really finds it hard to tell what is known as a ''white lie''. So one can imagine the absolute horror I face when being asked to give an honest appraisal of a repugnant infant. It has happened so often now that I'm actually used to it by now but when I was younger and less tactful it was very difficult. Just imagine the anticipation of a child who has been told that Uncle Tom and Aunt Sylvia are bringing over their little new born daughter and being filled with the false hope that the little ray of sunshine is a future miss world. Imagine further the absolute revulsion when one looks into the pram to see a hideous monster with a unibrow, ears that stick out and a crooked beak looking back at you with eyes the size of marbles.
I have been told by several people on my travels that there is no such thing as an ugly baby. I beg to differ. I have seen enough vile specimens in my time to produce my own adaptation of Gremlins. Ugly babies do exist, and they are growing in numbers! What is remarkable however, is the fact that parents with ugly babies really cant see that they have produced nauseating beasts as children. In fact they are often so proud of their ''achievement'' that they feel the need to hassle their work mates by bringing the little creatures into work with them. This is a particular gripe of mine. Bringing a new born baby into the workplace is not only unneccessary, it is also a ''screw you'' to the miserable old spinster who works in the corner away from everyone else and has never found anyone willing to lower their standards enough to ask for her hand in marriage. Why on earth would your work colleagues want to see your baby? Especially if he/she looks like that. And then we come back to the old white lies, ''he's gorgeous, he's the image of you'', bla bla bla. And from a distance I watch the whole charade, marvelling at the decency and falseness of humankind!
Sunday 22 August 2010
Heaven Preserve Job hunters From Wanky Recruitment Practices
God be with the days (I don't personally remember them, but I've been told) when all you had to do was lash in the aul cv, have a brief 5 minute interview with some prick in a suit and a couple of days later ya got a call from a bloke saying you either have or have not got the job. Those days are long gone. Nowadays, even the most streamlined of recruitment practices have 2 interviews at least. I can personally understand the reason behind 2 interviews, the first interview is an opportunity for you to get to know the employer, learn a little bit about the company and vice versa, and answer a series of stupid bloody questions. The second interview is completely different, its an opportunity for you to get to know the employer, learn a little bit about the company and vice versa, and answer a series of stupid bloody questions.
So lets say for the sake of agrument that you get passed the initial stage, you do well in the 14 interviews, you score well in your 3 psychometric tests, you manage to complete the assault course, you pass the eye test, the hearing test and you dont have a fucking heart murmer, and you've undergone a 3 day assessment centre, involving group participation excercises, leadership tasks and the devil knows what, lets say you manage to get passed all that unnecessary shite. What next? Well either you get a fone call saying congradulations, you fit the profile of a soulless bollix who has no fucking life and can get a ridiculously high score on our personality test, your clearly a moron of fucking Neil Delemare proportions, you'll fit right in with us shower of cunts. Or, more probably, you get a letter saying fuck off but in the most patronising manner imaginable:
Dear Sir/Madame,
Thank you for your recent application for the role of ........ We regret to inform you that you have been unnsuccessful on this occasion. Thank you for your interest in the post and we wish you all the best in the future.
Yours sincerely,
The recruitment team.
''We wish you all the best in the future?'' Bollix do ya wish me all the best in the future. you couldnt give a shite about my future. Christ it makes my blood turn to piss! The sheer hyprocacy, they've just deemed you unsuitable for the job and their saying best of luck. Fuck off with your best of luck, the last fucker wished me the best of luck and look where that's got me. you really know you've been fucked when some partonising bastard writes best of luck in an email, its like saying ''your a desperate waste of space and we couldnt imagine any company would be stupid enough to employ a twat like you but sure listen ya never know''.
I hope to christ I'm speaking for likeminded people out there who believe that recruitment nowadays is wank. Let's do away with all this mindless time wasting nonsense. I've had my fucking fill of it! Who know's, maybe this will become a forum for discussion.
So lets say for the sake of agrument that you get passed the initial stage, you do well in the 14 interviews, you score well in your 3 psychometric tests, you manage to complete the assault course, you pass the eye test, the hearing test and you dont have a fucking heart murmer, and you've undergone a 3 day assessment centre, involving group participation excercises, leadership tasks and the devil knows what, lets say you manage to get passed all that unnecessary shite. What next? Well either you get a fone call saying congradulations, you fit the profile of a soulless bollix who has no fucking life and can get a ridiculously high score on our personality test, your clearly a moron of fucking Neil Delemare proportions, you'll fit right in with us shower of cunts. Or, more probably, you get a letter saying fuck off but in the most patronising manner imaginable:
Dear Sir/Madame,
Thank you for your recent application for the role of ........ We regret to inform you that you have been unnsuccessful on this occasion. Thank you for your interest in the post and we wish you all the best in the future.
Yours sincerely,
The recruitment team.
''We wish you all the best in the future?'' Bollix do ya wish me all the best in the future. you couldnt give a shite about my future. Christ it makes my blood turn to piss! The sheer hyprocacy, they've just deemed you unsuitable for the job and their saying best of luck. Fuck off with your best of luck, the last fucker wished me the best of luck and look where that's got me. you really know you've been fucked when some partonising bastard writes best of luck in an email, its like saying ''your a desperate waste of space and we couldnt imagine any company would be stupid enough to employ a twat like you but sure listen ya never know''.
I hope to christ I'm speaking for likeminded people out there who believe that recruitment nowadays is wank. Let's do away with all this mindless time wasting nonsense. I've had my fucking fill of it! Who know's, maybe this will become a forum for discussion.
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