As I am now effectively an ex patriot, one of the thousands of Irish people who jumped ship when the going got tough, I realise that there is no turning back. Having escaped over a year ago, I have no choice but to keep running. Despite the fact that I have not been ''living and breathing'' the Irish recession, I have kept a close eye on events from afar. I have been horrified to read daily newspaper articles that depict in brutal detail the melt down of a country that had such promise. The recent visit from the officials of the IMF is a bitter pill that will take some time to digest as will the shame and embarassment of being a native of a country that simply cant look after itself.

As with any country in the depths of a recession, the Irish government must accept responsibility. However, unlike most countries plagued by economic turmoil, the Irish recession is an unusual case. The harsh reality that most people do not realise or are perhaps unwilling to accept is that it has not been the banks or the government alone that caused the recession but in fact the entire society. Almost everyone has their share of the blame for the mess the country finds itself in: Greedy tradesmen, foolish young families who took out unnecessarily large mortgages, couples that insisted on buying a new mercedes every 2 years even though an opel astra would have sufficed, people who took out loans for luxuries like holidays and even young fools like me who felt we were entitled to piss our hard earned cash up against a wall on a friday night in a haze of carefree debauchery.

From the political elite right down through every tennet of society, Ireland stinks of greed and a pathetic unwillingness to accept responsibility for our own mistakes. We are now the laughing stock of Europe and will be used as a perfect example to future students of economics of how not to do things and a warning to other up and coming countries not to believe your own hype.

If we are to emerge from this dreadful state of affairs, we must have enough talk of the untouchables (child benefit, students, the OAP's) It's time we accepted that in a nation, we must all pull together and share the burden to adress this problem unified and united.

Cinema Etiquette

A very recent experience moved me to write this blog. As always, its really just an excuse for me to vent my frustration at all the petty little gripes I have with the world.

Anybody who knows me will be well aware of the fact that I watch alot of films and going to the cinema is one of my main past times. Truth be told, if I had the time to go every day I probably would. Like many people, I find it a great form of escapism and a perfect way to unwind after a hard day at the office.

As I said, this blog is in response to an experience I recently had. This experience took place at a cinema. The film I saw is unimportant. What is important to mention, however, is the fact that I was there alone. As I write that I cringe at the thought of any potential reader misconstruing what I say to think I am seeking sympathy. Far from it!! I merely mention this due to its significance in the context of the anecdote.

On this particular evening I sat, popcorn in hand, drink placed in the holder next to me, in gleefull anticipation of the masterpiece I expected to unfold. I looked around and said to myself ''Perfect, there are only a few people here, no morons, I can actually enjoy this for once withouth having a bunch of kids laughing and shouting throughout.'' And then what do you think happened next? Let me tell you what happened next, the biggest breach of cinema etiquette I have ever seen happed next, thats what! I watched on in horror as a young couple walked towards me and sat in the 2 seats next to me!!! Can you belive it?! Let me remind you that the cinema was practically empty. Apart from 6 or 7 people, I had the place to myself!! And in strolls love's young bloody dream! Everybody knows that if you walk into an empty cinema and the film is about to start, you can sit anywhere. You would harldy ever pay attention to the seat numbers on the tickets. And you certainly wouldnt place yourself right next to a person on their own! Even as they sat down, I expected the young gentleman to look at me and say, ''Excuse me sir, we just noticed you might be in danger of enjoying yourself and thought why not come over and horrifically ruin your night.'' I was horrified by the sheer ignorance! I was even more horrified when I imagined the sick depraved person who must have served this couple at the till when they purchased said tickets. I could just imagine the smarmy little git seeing me buy my ticket knowing exactly where I was sitting and saying to himself, ''I'm gonna knock a bit of fun out of tonight''!! What an evil bastard!

Consider that you were sitting on a bus on your way home one evening and you had the top deck all to yourself? Wouldnt it be weird if someone you didnt know came up and sat down beside you? Of course it would!! You would think it was damn weird because that is not bus etiquette. I'ts just not what one does. Well, let me tell you that cinema etiqutte is exactly the same. Jus because you buy a ticket does not make it any less weird to sit next to someone who is on their own, especially if you have your girlfriend with you. Surely you would prefer to have some privacy!

Before we solve the recession, lets try getting some bloody common decency back!! And it starts with cinema etiquette!

Bouncers. Sub human scum

If the recession is getting you down and your an absolute fucking moron with little or no education, completely devoid of interpersonal skills and severely overweight, become a fucking bouncer. Any thick cunt can do the job and whats more, you get to take your personal gripes with the world out on pathetic drunks who cannot defend themselves.

If I was compiling a top 10 of the lowest people in our society, bouncers would rank just above fraudsters and racists. They are the kind of fucking people who fail the police exam, then fail the fire service exam, then fail the prison service exam, then think to themselves, ''Oh fuck, I really am a worthless fucking cunt with no job prospects, who in their right fucking mind would give a thick bastard like me a job? I better become a fucking bouncer.''

The most ironic thing about them is the fact that they are supposed to be guardians of peace. On the contrary, these bastards want it to kick off, they want a ruck, they want to get their hands dirty. Anyone who lives in Aberdeen will ''ken'' the guys outside pearl lounge with their yellow tee shirts that say ''customer safety''. Customer Safety? My hairy scrote! They cause more trouble than the customers, they love a good fight!! Fuck them all!


Scum. The lowest form of scum, I wish them all bad luck!

On the overuse of words

A very apt blog I read yesterday from Gazlightyear prompted me to write this. In his blog, Gazzer launched a viscious tirade against stupid fucking bastards that are on a bloody crusade to abrogate the English language with moronic sentences like ''I should of gone out last night'' or ''I could of but I decided not to.'' I must say that particular brand of gobshitery is a major gripe of mine. However, what is even more irritating in my opinion is the ridiculous overuse of words nowadays.

I'll give you 2 perfect examples of words that are overused in common conversation: Actually and literally. Its all too common to hear some moronic fuck saying something along the lines of ''Its ACTUALLY so hot today'' or ''That was LITERALLY the best night out ever''. When did these words become so fucking hip? I mean it's not as if words like actually or literally are even nice words. They are quite plain in fact. Nothing special about them at all. I don't mind the ocassional actually or literally if its appropriately used but to use those words in sentences like ''I'm actually so cold'' or ''I'ts literally the best beer I've ever tasted'' is fucking sub standard behaviour. So fuck off with it.

Despite the fact that the overuse of those 2 words is enough to make me lose my faith in humanity, there is one word that is so overused its like a fucking epidemic that transcends race, ethnicity and nationality. Even uing it makes me want to throw up. The word is BASICALLY. BASICALLY!!! Piss off and use another fucking adverb!! I'm sick of the overuse of that word. What annoys me most about that fucking word is that its not just the inarticulate that seem to use it so fucking frequently. Au contraire! Even the Fiona's and Sorcha's of D4 are using the word like its going out of fashion. Lawyers, doctors, businessmen and the political elite are all overusing the word basically. How often to we hear pretentious film critics say something like ''the film is basically a coming of age romcom''. Why not just say it IS a coming of age romcom and leave it at that ya prick? Christ!! I'm not exagerating when I say I've heard the word used as many as 4 times in a sentence!! Fuck sake!

So the next time your about to fall into the trap and use any of the aforementioned overused words think to yourself, Is there a more appropriate word I could use here? And whatever you do for fuck sake at least try and use a word that's more palatable than fucking basically.

Rose Tinted Spectacles?

Have you ever been in a position where a friend or family member has a new born baby and decides to bring the child around to show the family? An inconvenience I'm sure alot of people will be familiar with. Of course on these occasions its often best to placate the ego of the parents with the usual old guff, ''oh isnt he lovely, he's the image of you, I hope he grows up to be a heart surgeon'' etc etc. Having to swallow ones pride and talk such utter rubbish is a challenge in itself. However the ordeal becomes all the more difficult when faced with every parenthood sceptic's nightmare: An ugly baby!!

This is always a tricky situation and one that for some reason I find myself faced with all too often. Unfortunatley I am one of those people who really finds it hard to tell what is known as a ''white lie''. So one can imagine the absolute horror I face when being asked to give an honest appraisal  of a repugnant infant. It has happened so often now that I'm actually used to it by now but when I was younger and less tactful it was very difficult. Just imagine the anticipation of a child who has been told that Uncle Tom and Aunt Sylvia are bringing over their little new born daughter and being filled with the false hope that the little ray of sunshine is a future miss world. Imagine further the absolute revulsion when one looks into the pram to see a hideous monster with a unibrow, ears that stick out and a crooked beak looking back at you with eyes the size of marbles.

I have been told by several people on my travels that there is no such thing as an ugly baby. I beg to differ. I have seen enough vile specimens in my time to produce my own adaptation of Gremlins. Ugly babies do exist, and they are growing in numbers! What is remarkable however, is the fact that parents with ugly babies really cant see that they have produced nauseating beasts as children. In fact they are often so proud of their ''achievement'' that they feel the need to hassle their work mates by bringing the little creatures into work with them. This is a particular gripe of mine. Bringing a new born baby into the workplace is not only unneccessary, it is also a ''screw you'' to the miserable old spinster who works in the corner away from everyone else and has never found anyone willing to lower their standards enough to ask for her hand in marriage. Why on earth would your work colleagues want to see your baby? Especially if he/she looks like that. And then we come back to the old white lies, ''he's gorgeous, he's the image of you'', bla bla bla. And from a distance I watch the whole charade, marvelling at the decency and falseness of humankind!

Heaven Preserve Job hunters From Wanky Recruitment Practices

God be with the days (I don't personally remember them, but I've been told) when all you had to do was lash in the aul cv, have a brief 5 minute interview with some prick in a suit and a couple of days later ya got a call from a bloke saying you either have or have not got the job. Those days are long gone. Nowadays, even the most streamlined of recruitment practices have 2 interviews at least. I can personally understand the reason behind 2 interviews, the first interview is an opportunity for you to get to know the employer, learn a little bit about the company and vice versa, and answer a series of stupid bloody questions. The second interview is completely different, its an opportunity for you to get to know the employer, learn a little bit about the company and vice versa, and answer a series of stupid bloody questions.

So lets say for the sake of agrument that you get passed the initial stage, you do well in the 14 interviews, you score well in your 3 psychometric tests, you manage to complete the assault course, you pass the eye test, the hearing test and you dont have a fucking heart murmer, and you've undergone a 3 day assessment centre, involving group participation excercises, leadership tasks and the devil knows what, lets say you manage to get passed all that unnecessary shite. What next? Well either you get a fone call saying congradulations, you fit the profile of a soulless bollix who has no fucking life and can get a ridiculously high score on our personality test, your clearly a moron of fucking Neil Delemare proportions, you'll fit right in with us shower of cunts. Or, more probably, you get a letter saying fuck off but in the most patronising manner imaginable:

Dear Sir/Madame,


Thank you for your recent application for the role of ........ We regret to inform you that you have been unnsuccessful on this occasion. Thank you for your interest in the post and we wish you all the best in the future.

Yours sincerely,
The recruitment team.

''We wish you all the best in the future?'' Bollix do ya wish me all the best in the future. you couldnt give a shite about my future. Christ it makes my blood turn to piss! The sheer hyprocacy, they've just deemed you unsuitable for the job and their saying best of luck. Fuck off with your best of luck, the last fucker wished me the best of luck and look where that's got me. you really know you've been fucked when some partonising bastard writes best of luck in an email, its like saying ''your a desperate waste of space and we couldnt imagine any company would be stupid enough to employ a twat like you but sure listen ya never know''.

I hope to christ I'm speaking for likeminded people out there who believe that recruitment nowadays is wank. Let's do away with all this mindless time wasting nonsense. I've had my fucking fill of it! Who know's, maybe this will become a forum for discussion.